Recipe: Disaster Dinner Rolls (Gluten-Free + Vegan + Lol)

And you may ask yourself, well, how did I get here?

Talking Heads on Disaster Dinner Rolls

I thought I’d be slick to post a gluten-free, vegan dinner roll recipe for those cooking a big holiday meal. I’ve been eating gluten-free for about six weeks, probably, in addition to vegetarian and dairy-free (the latter two a long way of saying I basically eat vegan with the exception of eggs).

Gluten-free baking is clearly not my forté… yet.

Ingredients

3 T Earth Balance
1 c full fat coconut milk from can
1/4 c water
1/4 c + 1 T sugar
3 1/2 t instant yeast
3 c gluten-free flour
1/4 t sea salt
1/4 c non-dairy milk of choice

Instructions

  1. In a medium saucepan on low heat, melt butter for a few seconds.
  2. Stir in coconut milk, water and 1/4 c sugar. Test temperature of mixture with a questionable, rinsed off thermometer your father in-law used in the Thanksgiving turkey until it reaches 105-110°F.
  3. Turn off stove and add yeast. Stir once and let the yeast activate for ten minutes.
  4. In the meantime, feel smug about being in the throes of making homemade bread. Also, whisk sea salt into flour in a separate bowl.
  5. Add salted flour to yeast mixture a little bit a time and mix well. Start by using the rice spoon you googled and then bought on Amazon upon first reading this recipe through. Once the dough gets heavy, you get to use your HANDS!
  6. Knead dough until flour is well incorporated. If it’s dry and crumbly, add more coconut milk a little at a time. When you’ve polished off the coconut milk and it’s still crumbly, start pouring water into it. Finally, give up.
  7. Shape dough into a big ball, place in a large bowl, cover top with Saran wrap, and let it sit there for two hours. Pretend to be reading Dead Souls while you wait. As you realize that that book does, indeed, make your soul feel dead, the dough should at least triple in size.
  8. Side eye dough that has not risen one iota and then preheat oven to 350°F.
  9. Remove dough from bowl, scrambling to slap pieces crumbling off of it back onto the ball. Continue, unabashed.
  10. Add some flour on your working surface so the dough doesn’t stick, or not, and knead the dough to deflate it. Deflate what?
  11. Divide dough in half and divide each half in half until you get 12 little balls. At some point, you’ll realize this is bad math and that you actually need to divide the last halves into thirds. Using sheer will, keep balls of dough together.
  12. Line baking dish with parchment paper and add your rolls.
  13. With hope, stir last 1 T sugar into the non-dairy milk of choice.
  14. Using a pastry brush, something else you googled and bought on Amazon, apply wash on each roll to get an icing-type finish. Wonder why the original recipe said the wash was supposed to look brown and glossy. Ponder whether they accidentally used rotten soy milk.
  15. Momentarily appreciate the rolls looking like dessert.
  16. Place rolls in oven and let bake for 30 minutes. Feel your stomach drop in defeat when, after 20 minutes, nothing about your rolls has changed. Look at your father in-law when he reassures you that “there’s still time.”
  17. Take bitter icing balls out of oven and let cool, because you’re still gonna try them “just in case.”
  18. See video at top of post.
Do these look like cinnamon rolls? Yah. Did they taste like cinnamon rolls? Nah.

Serves zero friends, 12 frenemies, or one nemesis.

Bummed Out Bailey Rating: 0/10 (a first!)
Rick-the-Meat-Eater Rating: 0/10

Where are the rolls? Did you throw them in the trash? I’m sorry, babe. When you bake with gluten-free flour, you need Xanthan gum.

Rick, a meat-eating, not gluten-free husband

Poorly adapted from Vegan Dinner Rolls.

More on Bummed Out Baker:
Recipe: Chocolate-Filled Shortbread Thumbprint Cookies (Vegetarian)
Happy Birthday Bummed Out Baker! Chocolate Birthday Cake with Whipped Cream Icing (Gluten-Free + Vegan)
Recipe: Sugar Cookies (these are actually good)


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