Recipe: Disaster Dinner Rolls (Gluten-Free + Vegan + Lol)

And you may ask yourself, well, how did I get here?

Talking Heads on Disaster Dinner Rolls

I thought I’d be slick to post a gluten-free, vegan dinner roll recipe for those cooking a big holiday meal. I’ve been eating gluten-free for about six weeks, probably, in addition to vegetarian and dairy-free (the latter two a long way of saying I basically eat vegan with the exception of eggs).

Gluten-free baking is clearly not my forté… yet.

Ingredients

3 T Earth Balance
1 c full fat coconut milk from can
1/4 c water
1/4 c + 1 T sugar
3 1/2 t instant yeast
3 c gluten-free flour
1/4 t sea salt
1/4 c non-dairy milk of choice

Instructions

  1. In a medium saucepan on low heat, melt butter for a few seconds.
  2. Stir in coconut milk, water and 1/4 c sugar. Test temperature of mixture with a questionable, rinsed off thermometer your father in-law used in the Thanksgiving turkey until it reaches 105-110°F.
  3. Turn off stove and add yeast. Stir once and let the yeast activate for ten minutes.
  4. In the meantime, feel smug about being in the throes of making homemade bread. Also, whisk sea salt into flour in a separate bowl.
  5. Add salted flour to yeast mixture a little bit a time and mix well. Start by using the rice spoon you googled and then bought on Amazon upon first reading this recipe through. Once the dough gets heavy, you get to use your HANDS!
  6. Knead dough until flour is well incorporated. If it’s dry and crumbly, add more coconut milk a little at a time. When you’ve polished off the coconut milk and it’s still crumbly, start pouring water into it. Finally, give up.
  7. Shape dough into a big ball, place in a large bowl, cover top with Saran wrap, and let it sit there for two hours. Pretend to be reading Dead Souls while you wait. As you realize that that book does, indeed, make your soul feel dead, the dough should at least triple in size.
  8. Side eye dough that has not risen one iota and then preheat oven to 350°F.
  9. Remove dough from bowl, scrambling to slap pieces crumbling off of it back onto the ball. Continue, unabashed.
  10. Add some flour on your working surface so the dough doesn’t stick, or not, and knead the dough to deflate it. Deflate what?
  11. Divide dough in half and divide each half in half until you get 12 little balls. At some point, you’ll realize this is bad math and that you actually need to divide the last halves into thirds. Using sheer will, keep balls of dough together.
  12. Line baking dish with parchment paper and add your rolls.
  13. With hope, stir last 1 T sugar into the non-dairy milk of choice.
  14. Using a pastry brush, something else you googled and bought on Amazon, apply wash on each roll to get an icing-type finish. Wonder why the original recipe said the wash was supposed to look brown and glossy. Ponder whether they accidentally used rotten soy milk.
  15. Momentarily appreciate the rolls looking like dessert.
  16. Place rolls in oven and let bake for 30 minutes. Feel your stomach drop in defeat when, after 20 minutes, nothing about your rolls has changed. Look at your father in-law when he reassures you that “there’s still time.”
  17. Take bitter icing balls out of oven and let cool, because you’re still gonna try them “just in case.”
  18. See video at top of post.
Do these look like cinnamon rolls? Yah. Did they taste like cinnamon rolls? Nah.

Serves zero friends, 12 frenemies, or one nemesis.

Bummed Out Bailey Rating: 0/10 (a first!)
Rick-the-Meat-Eater Rating: 0/10

Where are the rolls? Did you throw them in the trash? I’m sorry, babe. When you bake with gluten-free flour, you need Xanthan gum.

Rick, a meat-eating, not gluten-free husband

Poorly adapted from Vegan Dinner Rolls.

More on Bummed Out Baker:
Recipe: Chocolate-Filled Shortbread Thumbprint Cookies (Vegetarian)
Happy Birthday Bummed Out Baker! Chocolate Birthday Cake with Whipped Cream Icing (Gluten-Free + Vegan)
Recipe: Sugar Cookies (these are actually good)


Do you love Bummed Out Baker? Want to help keep it going? Support me on my Patreon. Your contribution means more to me than you’ll ever know!

To subscribe to Bummed Out Baker by email, scroll all the way down to the bottom of the website to find the form. Follow Instagram for behind-the-scenes panic attacks and my begrudging, meat-eating husband captured in the wild, Facebook for mental health articles and discussion, and Twitter for sassy or informative tweets.

If you or someone you know needs help right now, please call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

Recipe: Quinoa Paella (Gluten-Free + Vegan)

I love paella. So much so that a vegetarian iteration was my chosen option to offer at my and Rick’s wedding (alongside Rick’s choice of ribeye, or whatever. Groan zone). When done well, it is 100 the bomb. I’m taking quick breaks from writing to eat it right now.

Ingredients

1 yellow onion, diced
1-2 garlic cloves, minced
2 T olive oil
1 t sea salt, divided
1 red bell pepper, diced
1 orange bell pepper, diced
1 yellow bell pepper, diced
2 T tomato paste
1 bunch asparagus, trimmed and cut into 1″ pieces
random peas from the freezer (optional)
1 1/2 c uncooked quinoa, rinsed
1 t paprika
1/4 t black pepper, freshly ground
1 1/2 c water
2 t vegetable bouillon
1/2 c vegetable broth
lemon slices for garnish (optional)
parsley for garnish, chopped

Instructions

  1. In a large, oven-safe, sauté pan over medium, sauté onions and garlic in olive oil for four minutes.
  2. Add bell peppers and 1/2 t sea salt. Continue cooking for 15 minutes, stirring often.
  3. Add tomato paste, asparagus, and random peas from freezer (optional) and cook for two minutes.
  4. Add quinoa (still uncooked), paprika, remaining 1/2 t sea salt, and black pepper. Sauté for about five minutes, stirring constantly.
  5. Add water and bouillon. Bring mixture to a boil, then lower heat and simmer uncovered for 25 minutes.
  6. Meanwhile, preheat the oven to 375°F.
  7. Stir in vegetable broth. Top paella with lemon slices if you like, then transfer pan to oven to bake for ten minutes.
  8. Garnish with parsley and serve.

Serves six.

Bummed Out Bailey Rating: 8/10
Rick-the-Meat-Eater Rating: 6/10

Are you gonna ruin it with asparagus?

Rick, to me

Adapted from Vegan Gluten Free Quinoa Paella.

More on Bummed Out Baker:
Recipe: Greek Quinoa Salad
Recipe: Cauliflower Queso
Recipe: Roasted Tomato Basil and Rice Soup


Do you love Bummed Out Baker? Want to help keep it going? Support here. Your contribution means more to me than you’ll ever know!

To subscribe to Bummed Out Baker by email, scroll all the way down to the bottom of the website to find the form. Follow Instagram for behind-the-scenes panic attacks and my begrudging, meat-eating husband captured in the wild, Facebook for mental health articles and discussion, and Twitter for sassy or informative tweets.

If you or someone you know needs help right now, please call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

Recipe: Best Damn Mashed Potatoes (Gluten-Free + Vegan)

Thanksgiving or, as we call it in my family, Franksgriffin, is comin’ in hot. We call it Franksgriffin cause one time we heard someone bungle “Thanksgiving” on live TV, or something, and then it just stuck. That was probably ten years ago.

Anyway! What’s an autumnal family and/or friends gathering without some stellar mashed potatoes?

please pardon unrelated olive oil spill

Ingredients

~8 gold potatoes
1 1/2 t sea salt, divided
3-4 cloves garlic, minced
dash of olive oil
4 T vegan butter (I like organic Earth Balance)
1/2 t black pepper, freshly ground
1/4 c fresh chives, chopped

Instructions

  1. In a large pot, cover potatoes with water. Bring to light boil over medium-high and add 1 t sea salt.
  2. Cover and cook for about 25 minutes, or until a butter knife slides easily in and out of center of a potato.
  3. While potatoes are cooking, sauté garlic in olive oil for about three minutes.
  4. Drain potatoes and place back in the hot pot, off heat, for one minute to evaporate any additional water.
  5. Careful not to over-mix, mash potatoes with a masher.
  6. Add butter, sautéd garlic, remaining sea salt, and black pepper and stir to combine. Taste potatoes and adjust as needed.
  7. Last, stir in chives.

Serves four.

Leftovers can be refrigerated for a few days. To reheat, put potatoes and a dash of vegetarian milk in a small pot on the stove over low. Stir until heated through.

Bummed Out Bailey Rating: 10/10
Rick-the-Meat-Eater Rating: 8/10

I like my recipe better. There should be half a stick of salted butter for every potato.

Rick, a person who isn’t joking

Adapted from The Best Damn Vegan Mashed Potatoes.

More on Bummed Out Baker:
Recipe: Shepherd’s Pie
Recipe: Twice-Baked Potato Skins with Cheese Sauce
Recipe: Roasted Artichokes


Do you love Bummed Out Baker? Want to help keep it going? Support here. Your contribution means more to me than you’ll ever know.

To subscribe to Bummed Out Baker by email, scroll all the way down to the bottom of the website to find the form. Follow Instagram for behind-the-scenes panic attacks and my begrudging, meat-eating husband captured in the wild, Facebook for mental health articles and discussion, and Twitter for sassy or informative tweets.

If you or someone you know needs help right now, please call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

Recipe: Chili (Gluten-Free + Vegan)

Whenever you think of chili do you also think of this v avant garde, ahead of its time video where the guy talks about how he never liked chili?

Either way, welcome to the chili recipe post.

the sun got really aggressive here

I like chili, but if you don’t, this recipe truly might change your mind. It’s perfect for cold months, the fall, football season, vegetarians, or meat eaters trying to pare down on meat consumption without sacrificing a taste they’re accustomed to.

Ingredients

3 packages Hilary’s Organic Spicy Veggie Sausage (or ~20 oz vegetarian meat crumbles)
1 T olive oil
1/2 white onion, chopped
2 bay leaves
1 t ground cumin
2 T dried oregano
1 T sea salt
2 celery stalks, chopped
2 bell peppers, chopped
2 jalapeño peppers, deseeded* and chopped
3 garlic cloves, minced
2 4 oz cans chopped green chili peppers, drained
3 28 oz cans whole peeled tomatoes, crushed
1/4 c chili powder
1 T ground black pepper
1 15 oz can kidney beans, drained
1 15 oz can garbanzo beans, drained
1 15 oz can black beans, drained
2 c frozen corn (or 1 15 oz can whole kernel corn)

*Make sure to deseed your jalapeños. If you don’t, the whole pot will be inedible due to your mouth being on fire. I’ve done the legwork :(

Instructions

  1. In a skillet, cook veggie sausages according to package instructions. When done, set aside to cool.
  2. Heat olive oil in large pot over medium heat.
  3. Stir in the onion, bay leaves, cumin, oregano, and sea salt, cooking until onion is tender.
  4. Mix in celery, bell peppers, jalapeños, garlic, and green chilis. While vegetables are heating through, crumble sausage patties with hands.
  5. Mix in sausage crumbles, reduce heat to low, cover pot, and simmer mixture five minutes.
  6. After crushing the tomatoes with your hands, which is both cool and gross, mix them into the pot. Stir in chili powder, pepper, kidney beans, garbanzo beans, and black beans. Bring chili to a boil, reduce heat to low, cover, and simmer 45 minutes.
  7. Finally, stir in corn and continue cooking for five minutes before serving.
  8. For a fabulous flavor profile that mixes spicy and sweet, serve over this cornbread casserole!

Serves like, 14. For real.

Freeze leftovers in 1-2 serving size portions and move from freezer to fridge one day before you’d like to eat it. Reheat on stove, adding a dash of water if chili is looking a little dry.

Bummed Out Bailey Rating: 9/10
Rick-the-Meat-Eater Rating: 7.5/10

It was good. I don’t like celery.

Rick

Adapted from The Best Vegetarian Chili in the World.

More on Bummed Out Baker:
Pumpkin Spice Creamer (Gluten-Free + Paleo + Vegan)
Sloppy Joes (Vegan)
Why Do I Eat This Way?


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To subscribe to Bummed Out Baker by email, scroll all the way down to the bottom of the website to find the form. Follow Instagram for behind-the-scenes panic attacks and my begrudging, meat-eating husband captured in the wild, Facebook for mental health articles and discussion, and Twitter for sassy or informative tweets.

If you or someone you know needs help right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

Recipe: Chole Aloo Tikki (Gluten-Free + Vegan)

What’s up everybody it’s me, mister steal-yo-gurl-with-Indian-food.

season’s greetings! (see what I did there)

Ingredients

2 potatoes
1 T sea salt, divided
1 T cornstarch
1 t ground ginger
1 t ground cumin
1 t cayenne
1 T chopped fresh cilantro
1/2 T ground black pepper
3 1/2 T olive oil, divided
1/2 t black peppercorns
2 whole cloves
2 small dried chili peppers, chopped
1 t cumin seeds
2 bay leaves
1 onion, chopped
1/2 T fresh ginger, grated
2 cloves garlic, minced
2 t curry powder
1 t ground turmeric
1 t tomato paste
1 T water
1 tomato, chopped
1 15 oz can garbanzo beans, drained

Instructions

  1. Place potatoes into a large pot, cover with water, and add 1/2 T sea salt. Bring to boil, then reduce heat to medium-low and simmer until tender, about 20 minutes. Drain and peel potatoes. Peels should slide off pretty easily after boiling!
  2. In a bowl, mash together cooked potatoes, cornstarch, ground ginger, cumin, cayenne, cilantro, remaining 1/2 T sea salt, and pepper. Mash together using a fork, masher, or your hands if you’re feeling wild. And particularly clean. Your hands. Your hands should be clean.
  3. Oil (clean) hands and divide potato mixture into four portions. Pat each into a patty about 1/2″ thick.
  4. Heat 1 T oil in a skillet over medium. Fry potato cakes about three minutes on each side. Then, remove them from skillet, set aside, and keep warm.
  5. Grind peppercorns and cloves with a bullet-type blender or mortar and pestle if you got it like that.
  6. Heat remaining 2 T oil in skillet over medium-high. Stir in chili peppers, cumin, and bay leaves. Then, add onion, fresh ginger, and garlic. Stir until onion is golden, about three minutes. Then, add pepper-clove mixture, curry, and turmeric.
  7. Dilute tomato paste in the water and then stir it and the chopped tomato into the skillet. Cook over medium heat until the tomato has softened, about three minutes. Stir in chickpeas and let mixture flavors meld over low heat for ten minutes.
  8. Take bay leaves out and spoon chickpea mixture over the potato cakes. Sprinkle with cilantro leaves and serve.

Serves four.

Bummed Out Bailey Rating: 6/10 Spicy, which I like, but a little too time-consuming to make IMHO.
Rick-the-Meat-Eater Rating: N/A – Where was that guy?

Adapted from Indian Chole Aloo Tikki.

More on Bummed Out Baker:
Malai Kofta
Thai Curry Vegetables
Moussaka


Do you love Bummed Out Baker as much as I love creating it? Want to help keep it going? Support here.

To subscribe to Bummed Out Baker by email, scroll all the way down to the bottom of the website to find the form. Follow Instagram for behind-the-scenes panic attacks and my begrudging, meat-eating husband captured in the wild, Facebook for mental health articles and discussion, and Twitter for sassy or informative tweets.

If you or someone you know needs help right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.